Oh that’s right, Footballer #1 was kidnapped. How quicky we forget these things…

Footballer #2 and Bitch are trying to figure out if Bitch’s Dad killed Bitch’s Mum when the reporter informs them, and Good Girl and Nerd, that Footballer #1 was kidnapped. The gang then go off to an abandoned bowling alley, find a tape that implies Good Girl’s mum slept with the original killer and ultimately get attacked by the current killer.

Who is the killer? Not Good Girl, Nerd, Footballer #1 or Bitch. Or, thanks to a helpful phone call, Outcast. For a long, long time it looked like it was going to be Footballer #2. It’s the only convincing option presented throughout and ultimately it felt good to have the rug pulled out from underneath our feet.

For once, Scream outsmarted us.

And when the knife went into Footballer #2 I thought he may be dead for real, and when Footballer #1 was repeatedly uncharacteristically heroic while suffering intense bleeding I thought he may be dead for real. In the end everybody was safe, again.

Although Scream, sensing my disdain at the low body count, did the classic tripwire-tied-to-a-gun and killed Footballer #1 shockingly and surprisingly in the final moments of the episode. Only it wasn’t a gun per se, but rather a really large chainsaw.

Well done Scream. That was gruesome.

In other news the D-plot of Bitch’s Mum’s murder was solved. Bitch’s Mum is unequivocally NOT dead, meaning Bitch’s Dad was dragging a different body throughout his home. The body of Bitch’s Mother’s overdosed friend, supposedly. This is caused by the reporter dumping all of her assorted evidence on the police’s desk – finally.

Good Girl’s dad is in town after eight years and she is not impressed. Shrug. Good Girl then discovers an ultrasound of the child of her mother and the original killer.

Outcast and Nerd reunite for more hijinks. They find a knife in Hot Teacher’s air vent and inform the clueless police. Seriously, handed two vital pieces of evidence in one episode? Hot Teacher is off getting a post-sex snack when the killer attacks Bitch, only to return moments before the police storm the auditorium. Yep, they were having sex in the auditorium.

So with the main younger cast cleared the new options look like this: Good Girl’s Dad, unlikely, Hot Teacher, more likely, or Handsome Guy (who once again did nothing worth talking about). An unlikely twist? Someone is working in cahoots with the reporter ala the original classic.

Flashback time! Somebody steals the original case notes and the original killer’s mask from police evidence. That’s all.

Good Girl and the reporter visit the original killer’s dementia-affected mother and are told that Hot Teacher is Good Girl’s half-brother and therefore the most likely candidate to be the killer. A day later the witless sherriff is attacked by the killer inside the home, absolving Hot Teacher, right?

The new most likely killer? Handsome Guy. Footage from Outcast’s girlfriend’s camera proves he seduced the original victim from the pilot. The mother of the killer changes her story after seeing a photo of Handsome Guy, instead proclaiming he is Good Girl’s half-brother. Worst. Witness. Ever.

Footage rolls in the dance hall of the sheriff held hostage and Handsome Guy is nowhere to be seen. With Hot Teacher in custody this outright confirms that Handsome Guy is the killer.

Only it doesn’t. All the officers in the police station are dead and Hot Teacher is missing. Which one is Good Girl’s half-brother? Which one is the killer? Will the Good Girl’s Dad subplot ever make any sense? Will it ever make any sense?

This few episodes of Scream have seen a rise in quality and feels as though the writers planned the finale and worked backwards. It’s still boorish and plain with sparks of something intriguing, making it much harder to hate.

MTV were never going to make Scream a pretentious Hannibal-like affair, nor should they. It’s the channel that airs Ex On the Beach, Teen Mom 3 and Geordie Shore. The financiers of Jackass. It was never going to hold a candle to the original and those behind Scream should not have sold the rights to them.

If this was called The Lakewood Slasher or Stalked By My Half-Brother it would be easier to digest. This isn’t Scream. It’s some okay-looking television MTV put on during hiatus season til Catfish is back.